Y’know, I put on a big game. I talk big. I act like I’m fucking perfect and all, like I’m gorgeous, and smart and shit. But I’ve realized that it’s really hurting me. My self esteem has plummeted in the last few months. This whole fake it till you feel it shit isn’t working for me. I think that I have really close friends, but most of the time I feel like I’m the fucking third wheel of all of my friends groups. And I act like I’m fine, I act like I’m fucking fantastic, and I don’t have anyone close enough to look into my eyes and realize that I’m not. I don’t have anyone close enough to just hold me and let me cry, because I’ve been drifting away from the one person who will for a while now. I’ve realized that this facade I put up has shut me off from a lot of opportunities. I had someone tell me recently that before they really got to know me they’d thought of me as a man eater. When it’s actually the exact opposite. I crave affection like no other. But I’ve never gotten close enough to anyone to actually get any affection. I’ve only cuddled with one person in my entire life. I’ve had a total of one real relationship, and in the 4 months that we dated he’s not the person I’ve cuddled with. It kind of hurts to know that I’m not worth touching, not worth holding. People see me as what I act like: an independent, confident woman. But I need someone who will see me as what I am: a sad, scared kid.